as i was huffing and puffing through my steady state cardio day this afternoon, i started thinking that i really miss Pathways. i really miss feeling like a whole room of people is always there to support me. in my endorphine riddled state i started thinking..."why not make every day a 10?" why not take a huge risk every day? because it'd be to scary? probably. i'd love to repeat Advanced...there's something...strike that...someone that i just can't...well...i feel like i've hit a wall with how much i'm going to heal from. i need some assistance. so, in said endorphine state i start to think of all the things i want to say...and do...and tell people...and how awesome my body is sometimes for being able to keep up with the physical demands that i put on it...and then...the little green lights on the step mill blink their last blink and i'm back to just getting by. what's up with that? why do i feel like i need an excuse to just...fix things.
i started listening to music again. it took me two years...but i've started again. it just hurt too much. long story.
i also miss playing music. instruments scattered around my tiny apartment. it use to be my life. then grad school for acting happened, and my life is taken up by scene class, voice warmups, and movement pieces in which, for six weeks i've been asking myself, what can one do with a shopping cart?. one can stand on it...balance on it's handle, do a handstand on it's handle, crawl underneith it...the possibilities are endless, really. at least it explains all the bruises up and down my legs.
going to the symphony to hear a friend's concert the other day was so cathartic. from the first note that melted me into my seat to the last cymbal crash oh how Hallmark it took everything in me to hold back the tears that i kept blinking away.
we did stomach massage in voice class today. i have built up a nice little suit of armor, let me tell you. it's necessary for a trapeze artist to have such, BUT, the actor part of me needs to be able to breathe fully and without tension. it was...weird. but afterwords...for about seventeen seconds...i wasn't holding myself in. i started to laugh and cry at the same time and my legs felt like they had been attached to an electric battery jumper. it didn't last long. but it was amazing.
i had a Delenn extra point if you know who that is moment today of who am i. funny, i don't remember the final answer she gave to get the torturer to let her live. i was thinking about it in terms of starting to write here, a little...maybe... how to start...where to start.
i guess i just...started.