Sunday, April 19, 2009

To Tell You.

The girl you didn't know you needed.
Mostly because she never updates her blog.

I need to tell you that less than 8 months after major knee surgery, I performed an aerial hammock act. I don't think I'd ever been so nervous. Take that Doctor Who Said I'd Be Starting To TRAIN Around One Year Out. (But seriously. Thanks for doing a good job on the knee.) I'm at 1 year and 2 months now. I'm doing jumping squats and deep lunges at the gym. Little tweeks and soreness sometimes. But it's getting better and better.

I'm not getting professional (i.e. paying) aerial work right now, which is really really frustrating. But hardly anyone is. It's been...hard...lately.

I need to tell you that I was invited to join a band today. In the past few weeks music has suddenly come roaring back into my life with the force of a thousand missiles. And it's awesome.

I hadn't sat down at a piano with any of the songs we were going to jam with today really at all...we were just going to improvise anyway... but i've been listening to them a lot. Well I just sat down and...all of my past music training...all of my confidence in my own ear...all of it just...worked. I guess being a musician for more than ten years (despite the breaks) stick in the far corners of your mind. I made up amazing phrases and chords on the spot, with the guitarist playing along. I even sang harmony at the same time. And I felt alive. Like the most wonderful form of therapy that there ever was. Orgasms mixed with dark chocolate and warm laundry. For a long time it was my therapy. And suddenly, when my life has felt the darkest it's felt in a very long time; with nights spent on the floor of my closet with the door closed wishing that I'd just have the courage to ask someone to come over or even just stay on the phone with me for a few minutes...music comes shooting back into the picture. It's scary the things that God actually hears you say.

I'm finally starting to feel like I have the potential to create a real community for myself here. Like, running into people at coffee shops and at plays and realizing that I know more people than I think I do. I've felt so incredibly free floating lately. And not in a No Cares In The World kind of way. More like in a Oh My God Someone Please Tell Me That You Can See Me I Think I'm Disappearing kind of way. I have a few wonderful friends, some who've just moved across the country (a'hem coughcough) before we had a chance to have a 2nd annual memorial day picnic...but there will be more in the future. Maybe in a different state or time...but somewhere.

I need to tell you that the performance I was yesterday afternoon went really well. I was funny and looked cute in my costume. And after it was over, I decided to take a 3 hour drive to surprise my little brother to see a play workshop he was putting on. He's an amazing kid, that one. And I love long drives. It helped my stress level. It lowered it a bit. Driving. In the car. Just with music. And a notebook perched on the steering wheel in case anything brilliant decided to float through my head.

I need to tell you that my cat is snoring a few feet away from me.

I need to tell you that I'm still sad a lot of the time. I miss people. People that are here and people that are far away. And I don't know if they're thinking about me. Maybe they are...if I try very carefully to feel it.

I wish I knew that I meant the world to someone.






photo by The One and Only.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Fall, Late.

I love fall. I felt so creative on Monday (the first day). I had one of the best aerial rehearsals that I've had probably since before Gnometenna Removal of 2008.

Speaking of the Little ACL That Could, it's been 7 months since surgery. And I'm getting ready for an aerial performance on November 1st. Cool huh?

Can't say that it's 100 percent, because it's not, but I'll wait until 1 year has passed until I start to get *really* annoyed. I'm not gigging as much as I want to [uh...strike that...] At All, but hopefully once I get this act together I'll be on the radar a little more. It's getting frustrating. Not going to lie.

I'm being overwhelmed with these huge feelings of self doubt in regards to 2 seperate classes/workshops coming up that I'm going to be participating in. One is an audition class and the other is a "masters" scene study. I'm being overwhelmed with huge feelings of self doubt in regards to these two things. Did I already say that? Springfield is a part of us all...a part of us all...a part of us all...

I wish the damn leaves would start their changin' already. I wish a lot of things. That's the one that is pretty likely will happen whether I do something about it or not.

Hmm. How hopeless of me.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Scary Things.

1. Drinking more than you have in probably 3 years and making yourself so sick that you remember why you said you'd never do that again. (oh my god. I feel like I'm going to feel nauseous forever.)

2. Realizing that you love Boulder, CO and maybe you should move there.

3. Feeling like you poisoned yourself last night.

4. Applying for jobs that you have no business applying for but you're tired of worrying about if you're good enough so why the fuck not.

5. Wondering how you're going to make enough money to live on for the rest of your life.

6. Feeling like you need to throw up again but there's utterly nothing left in your system.

7. Having the same fears and problems that you did before you got to forget about them for a few hours.

8. Realizing that how you physically feel right now was not worth forgetting about your fears and problems for a few hours.

9. Michael Phelps is quite possibly the alien's first attempt and sending us a man/fish hybrid, and they've seen that it was successful and now they're going to invade (maybe).

10. Oh my god I seriously feel so incredibly ill.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Bike.

There is sentimental value in the strangest things.

It's not really about the bike. Because it is old and there are bigger/better/faster ones on the market. I can't afford a new one at the moment, but someday I will.

But my dad gave me those baskets before I left for grad school in Boston. It was my car over there. I knew how it worked, how it felt. It took me everywhere. Lately, it was *still* my car. It was my moms, then it was mine. I loved that bike.

Who knows if I'll ever see it again. If you see some punk ass mother fucker riding or selling an old white TRECK with green and black mesh baskets on the sides, kick him in the balls and take it back for me.

This isn't helping my outlook on the world.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Steps.

I did an ankle hang on the trapeze today...something that my knee was saying a big NO THANKSMKAYTRY AGAIN NEXT TIMEKBYE even just a few days ago.

I should be more excited about it. I keep thinking that these little victories will be more like huge celebrations...that I'll get all emotional or something. And there were even people around when I did the trick today.

But there was nothing.

A small "yay"...but mostly, it doesn't seem like a big deal. Is it? Isn't it?

I'm in a complete creative black hole, and it's sucking me down deeper into whatever the hell it is that I'm trying to fight off. I'm falling into negative assumptions about everyone, myself, my friends, my life, everything. I'm a horrid choreographer (it's never been my job...) and I desperately want to start putting acts together. But I just can't. I listen to my music and I can see how it feels or what fucking colors the piece is suppose to be...but I can't think of the moves.tricks.sequences.whatever.

I feel like that one part in the Neverending Story...you know...that bog part...where it's just...well...you know.

Usless.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Cartwheels.

Yesterday while I was teaching a circus class a student asked me to demonstrate a simple tumbling sequence that I had asked them to do. It involved a lunge, straight leg lift, cartwheel, half turn, into a backwards roll. A cartwheel. My physical therapist had come to class (beyond the call of duty, right?) to see the kind of things I need to be able to do...so I looked over at her and said..."can I try a cartwheel?" She smiled and nodded.

I felt my heart lurch a little. Never in my life had I been nervous to try a cartwheel. It's my knee. It knows...stop be scared...

So, 6 months after tearing my ACL by doing a partner cartwheel...I did a cartwheel. I had complete control, and nothing bad happened. I don't know if I'll ever be able to try a partner cartwheel again, but never say never. I'm coming up on 5 months out from surgery. I hear that 6 and then 8 months are when things start to feel more "normal". Whatever that means.

Small victories...

Friday, July 4, 2008

Fourths.

I've never been in the city during the 4th of July. The bizarre tradition of an entire city [strike that] country shooting off exploding colors. echoing off buildings like gun shots.

My fourths in the past few years have been very memorable. Mostly because of the people i've been with. Boston with my new family of 18, Texas with my two favorite boys from said family, home like old times with my actual family...and tonight, with my mostly new...(about 9 months old) city friends...standing on their rooftop in The Trendy But Still Cute neighborhood watching every neighborhood's fireworks and a view of the skyline. Three hundred and sixty degrees. It was surreal and wonderful.

Standing on the roof, looking at the whole city exploding...I couldn't help but still feel very alone. I tend to feel particularly isolated in large crowds...which is maybe why I don't like being in them. I'm not sure what this week (or three) of little black rain cloud is at the moment. I'm putting on a good face...doing my funny voices...making jokes and laughing and being more social than I've been in years...but doing a slow three hundered and sixty degree turn on the roof, surround by all those people, the world slowed down and I was catapulted back through past years of smiles and laughing and the same crick in my neck that I get from staring up at the sky exploding. There's something wonderful and sad about tradition. I don't think I'll attempt to philosophize on it at the moment.

I felt like I was floating. Like I was watching. I'm always watching. All the people...

It was a lovely night. I'll remember it forever. I'll remember a lot of things forever.

I would've loved to be in someone's arms on the roof. Not even in a romantic way really...just...someone to keep me from leaving...to stay in the moment...something tactile to hold onto. There were plenty of people who probably would've, had I asked.

That's the problem though, isn't it.


What happens when you're scared to ask.