i may have found a place to hang my silks.
there's a dance studio/collection of studios hidden in a square near my apartment. someone in a random serendipidous e-mail suggested that i might look there to see if one of their six studios had ceilings that were high enough. since i'm starting to feel on the mend thank GOD the Plague is leaving my system and it's gorgeous outside i haven't left my house in seven days i decided to ride my bike down there and check out the space.
i entered this old building...climbed a set of stairs...and instantly felt a huge rush of communitypeopleenergylifefriendshappienessfamiliaritylongingelectricitydiciplineandlove.
it made me miss life. this crazy old dance complex made me long for home. for my circus school.
i saw people bustling around...going into yoga workshops...hugging each other...smiling...these people had community. they were a part of something. studio one didn't have a ceiling that was rig-able. flat. i climbed the stairs...each studio on the next level different but still nothing i could hang on. then...Studio 6. large, airy...huge metal beams across the ceiling...in lines and X patterns. perfect. i thought. i need to find out what the load weight on those X's are.
they rent space all the time to dancers...i left a note asking if they'd rent an hour a week in Studio 6 to me. i could actually feel like i'm not falling totally behind on something... wouldn't that be nice.
i love making memories. i made one today. walking up those stairs...what the floor looked like...the smells...the signs on the wall. i could definately make that a safe place for the few months that i'm still going to be here.
i wanted desperately to be a known face in the crowds of people today. i wanted people to run up to me and jump on me and hug me and ask me how me week had been. i know that dancers and yogis are naturally sort of like that, but actors are too. maybe i've taken my own community for granted. maybe it's there and i'm just missing it. being isolated for seven days also doesn't help matters.
i've always known, and keep on "re-finding-out" that i need to feel a strong sence of place in a community in order to feel "ok" with things. it's why i did so well in russia...i think. it's why even when i was complaining all the time about it teaching a few summers ago was a really good thing. i had a group of people i belonged to.
i've always been a loner type. yeah. ok. cool. fine. but that doesn't mean i can't have strong ties with different groups. i need that. i keep forgetting and then i wonder why i sitathomebymyselfgettingdepressedandfeelinglikeihavenolife. that has to change. now. now. my life right now is school/gym/rehearsal/home. where's the Studio 6 time in there? *i don't know if i'll ever actually be allowed to work in Studio 6, but seeing that it existed made me so happy that i'm coining a new phrase for myself.* what am i doing to make myself sane/happy/centered/balanced? the gym doesn't count, because i consider that a part of what i need to do for my career, my body, and my health. BUT, i definately could change my outlook about it. definately could do that. how can i start to cherish the time that i have to enjoy my workouts? my fitness lifestyle? what are my goals? they are realistic. so what is keeping me from reaching them? the answer may very well be sheer exhaustion. and i have to believe that my body getting so sick this week was a sign for me to just rest. which i did. which i really needed. thank you, body, for insisting.
i've decided that it's no longer ok for me to feel like i have no life. i wanted so badly to go up to those people today and ask them what they do in real life. if these classes were their Studio 6 time or if they teach/train/dance professionally. how they balance things. time. themselves.
that's what we should be learning in school. how to have commitment, deadlines, priorities, and a life to go along with it. maybe an hour by hour calendar for myself for the next few weeks wouldn't be such a bad idea.
i'll keep you posted. keep your fingers crossed for me for the fruition of my actual Studio 6 to come through. but even if it doesn't...it's now a concept that i've got to hold onto for the next few months...strike that... lifetime.