Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Aliens Among Us.

Holy crap. I have to tell you what happened today.

Ok. So.

I find a post-it ad for "Extra Holiday Cash" with flexible hours, training, and whatever else blahblah. So I figure, what the hell. Working on commission is a hard way to make a living and any sort of "extra" income is helpful. I figured it would be some data entry bullshit or something mindless that I could easily devote a few hours a week to doing. So I called "Trina" (names changed for entertainment purposes and anonymity) and made an appointment to come in to "see if I would be a good fit". I could tell that she had a permanent smile plastered on her face simply from hearing her voice on the phone...and it only went downhill from there.

I enter into an office building and go LL. I walk through some doors into a stark white office that looks like it was made from paper with...get this...full out elevator music playing. Seriously. You know the kind... "dum dut duh duhhh...deedeedeedee dum dut dut duh deedeedeedum..." etc.
Oy. What have I just walked into. A Stepford Wivesesque girl greets me and asks who I'm here to see. "Trina" I say, very much aware of my lack of smile. Her's is big enough for the both of us.

I meet Trina and learn that there are 2 other people in our little group to learn about the company. (Oy.) So, the appointment is suppose to start at 1:15 but we all got there early for what I then learn is a "get to know you" circle. I'm asked questions about what I do, Trina (creepily) remembering every single thing I told her on the phone the day before about what my background is...I'm asked where I'd like to be in 5 years and if I could go anywhere tomorrow where would I go. All the while standing in the little paper room with this elevator music blasting. So the meeting starts, and we learn that...::FANFARE:: they are in the Health and Wellness field and sell this fucking miracle juice and vitamins. Honestly, if I wasn't a really nice person, I would've walked out. But there must've been something pumped into the air or subliminal messages in that music that had me staying in my seat.

This meeting is interspursed with video clips showing people JUST LIKE YOU AND ME becoming FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT by getting people to sign on with them and the HORRORS of what'll happen if we let this incredible opportunity pass us by! We'll remember walking out of this meeting for the REST OF OUR LIVES! ::DUN DUN DUHHH!!!!:: People walked out on Bill Gates too! We're the next Bill Gates!!! RARRRRRAAHHHH!!!!!

So the last straw for me was when the meeting started to go over an hour and "Shelana" (the other person running this meeting) got ALL excited and said that the president of the company was taking a few minutes to call in and talk to us PERSONALLY and then...oh, this is the best part. They have a FAKE PHONE CALL from the president of the company come over the loud speaker (I know. It was totally like Lost.) and the woman running the meeting is all looking up to where the angelic message of financial hope and freedom and just pay $300 to come to a seminar this weekend with some millionares and learn how to do it yourself! is coming from with these big alien eyes with that same creepy smile, nodding along to what the (fake) phone call is saying.

When it was finally over (and half the room had left, which I didn't even realize because they had put me in the front row!) I was irritated enough at the point to when my "team leader" "Trina" asked me how much money I wanted to make I said "I'm sorry. I have a show opening this weekend and I'm about to be late for rehearsal. I can't come to the seminar because of that show, but it sounds interesting (read: you'reacrazyalienperson)..." and sort of trailed off because I didn't want to keep in touch or anything...because thanks but I'm really not interested. And Trina said that she'd call me.

I shall be memorizing her phone number to be certain that I just happen to never be able to answer when she calls.

The quest for financial freedom continues. And I'm pretty sure it won't be by selling miracle juice. Unless it's actually miracle juice. And in that case, I'm sure you'll hear about it through other means besides a goofy internet blog.

1 comment:

Scan said...

brainwash juice.
nice transcription of my old elevator music.
also, see you tomorrow.